lists

Countries I want to visit

  • India
  • Japan
  • Germany
  • Brazil

Countries I don’t want to visit

  • North Korea
  • Iran. Because, I mean, gay.
  • Russia. #pussyriot
  • Mississippi. Goddam.

Places I’ve lived

  • (The Greater) Chicago(land Area), the center of the universe.
  • Fairfield, ConnECTicut. The Nutmeg State.
  • Cambridge MA. Everything’s better in Cambridge. And yes, I frequently parked my car near Harvard Yard, but people don’t talk like that.
  • Boston. And it’s not funny. It’s not even a good sentence to demonstrate a thick Boston accent. It is best demonstrated through impossible driving directions that include at least three references to Dunkies.
  • New York, New York. It’s a hell of a town. The Bronx is up, and the Battery’s down. I talk about New York like a refugee longing for his homeland, but, I admit, I lived there for about 73 minutes.
  • The District of Columbia. Where the summers are from the tropics, the winters are from the tundras, the locals know how to navigate an escalator, and the drivers are all from Connecticut.
  • Tacoma. Grit City. The City of Destiny. I moved there, everyone died, I fell apart, I met my husband…holy shit! Grit AND destiny! Yeah, Tacoma’s a cool place. No, it doesn’t smell like that anymore.
  • Seattle. Coffee, tattoos, men with long hair, you pay extra tax if you don’t have a dog, and a flowerpot on every corner. I’ve started to blend in. EDIT: …and a place to buy pot flower…

Places I wish I’d lived

  • 1920s CE Berlin
  • 15th century CE Florence
  • 5th century CE Teotihuacan
  • 1950s Paris
  • 1960s San Francisco
  • Maui.

Best bars in NYC

  • Marie’s Crisis
  • That one on Amsterdam near 109th. 190th? No, 109th. Yeah, that one.
  • I actually can’t remember the rest.

Musicals I’d like to recast

  • Into the Woods…with all the female roles by drag performers. Alaska as The Witch, Jinkx as Little Red Riding Hood, Adam Lambert as Rapunzel’s Prince. I’ve seriously thought seriously about this. Not a typo.
  • Chicago, the movie. Remove Renee Zellewiger, replace with, well, anyone. Anyone who can actually dance and doesn’t look like she’s about to vomit all the time.
  • Les Miserables, the movie. Russell Crowe…whoever thought it was a good idea to let Russell Crowe sing should be sacked. Whoever thought it was a good idea to let Russell Crowe sing live should be sacked, rehired, and sacked again. Really, the whole film should be sacked and replaced with “The Music of Les Mis with Anne Hathaway and Hugh Jackman ” as a concert film. You know you’d rather pay money for that.
  • A Little Night Music. Desirée is a drag queen or trans. No ifs, ands, or buts, and the casting should match. With this, um, alteration, Frederick’s unrequited love for her and inability to commit to seducing his still-virginal-wife, Anne, makes sense. It also explains Carl-Magnus’ ongoing relationship with her and Charlotte’s (his wife) tolerance of the relationship. Because, well, they’re gay, or at the very least bisexual. Seriously, it’s the missing piece of an otherwise perfect musical. Ok, that’s more of a rewrite than a recast, but it’s the same general territory.
  • While we’re rewriting Sondheim, Company. Bobby is gay. Gay. That’s why he’s the single guy among a bunch of couples-friends. That’s why he dates and dates and dates and just can’t find the right woman. That’s why his Pygmalion ballad has to piece together the traits of women in his life to describe his ideal match. Keep it set in the 70s, even the 80s, and I could believe even Bobby didn’t know he was gay, which makes the final number, “Being Alive,” such an emotionally impactful moment in the show and in every show tune bar in America.
  • West Side Story. The new one. Well, pretty much all of the old one, save Rita Moreno, of course. But in the new one…yeah, sorry Ansel Elgort. Gotta go. Replace with any member of the cast of Schmigadoon.

Drag Race Lip Syncs I think about too much

  • Rebecca Glasscock & Shannel, “Shackles”
  • Raven & Nicole Paige Brooks, “My Lovin’”
  • Jujubee & Sahara Davenport, “Black Velvet”
  • Manila Luzon & Delta Work, “MacArthur Park”
  • Dida Ritz & The Princess, “This Will Be”
  • Latrice Royale & Dida Ritz, “I’ve Got to Use My Imagination”
  • Jujubee & Raven, “Dancing On My Own”
  • Detox & Lineysha Sparx, “Take Me Home”
  • Alyssa Edwards & Roxxxy Andrews, “Whip My Hair”
  • Trinity K Bonet & April Carrion, “I’m Every Woman”
  • Trinity K Bonet & Milk, “Whatta Man”
  • Joslyn Fox & Laganja Estranja, “Stupid Girls”
  • Trinity K Bonet & Adore Delano, Vibeology
  • Kennedy Davenport & Katya, “Roar”
  • Roxxy Andrews & Tatianna, “Shake It Off”
  • Alyssa Edwards & Tatianna, “Shut Up & Drive”
  • Chi Chi DeVayne & Thorgy Thor, “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going”
  • Peppermint & Cynthia Lee Fontaine, “Music”
  • Sasha Velour & Shea Coulee, “So Emotional”
  • BenDeLaCreme & Aja, “Anaconda”
  • Shangela & BenDeLaCreme, “Jump”
  • BenDeLaCreme & Shangela, “I Kissed a Girl”
  • Naomi Smalls & Monet X Change, “Come Rain or Come Shine”
  • Aquaria, Eureka & Kameron Michaels, “Bang Bang”
  • Kameron Michaels & Monet X Change, “Good As Hell”
  • Monet X Change & Dusty Ray Bottoms, “Pound the Alarm”
  • Brook Lynn Hytes & Yvie Oddly, “Sorry Not Sorry”
  • Brook Lynn Hytes & Yvie Oddly, “Edge of Glory”
  • Laganja Estranja & Trinity K Bonet, “Physical”
  • Crystal Methyd, “I’m Like a Bird”
  • Denali & Kahmora Hall, “100% Pure Love”

Madonna videos I don’t watch enough

  • “Love Profusion”
  • “You’ll See”
  • “God Control”
  • “Don’t Tell Me”
  • “Open Your Heart”
  • Yep. The rest, I watch plenty. Plenty.

Best Golden Girls episodes

  • [ERROR] [IMPOSSIBLETORANK]

Shows I used to watch and feel guilty about not watching anymore because they got canceled soon after I stopped watching

  • The Kids Are Alright
  • Heroes
  • Brothers & Sisters
  • Rome
  • Judging Amy
  • Dead Like Me
  • The New Normal
  • Fresh Off the Boat

Pills I take

  • This one to keep me alive
  • This one to keep me happy
  • This one to bolster the system
  • This one to keep all things airborne from torturing me
  • This one because I read somewhere men my age should take this
  • This one because I saw my husband take it and thought I was neglecting my health
  • This one to make my body think it’s time to sleep
  • This one to make my brain think it’s time to sleep
  • This one to loosen my muscles
  • This one to really make me sleep

Reasons I make lists

  • Because, Virgo.
  • Because, INFJ. Apparently, it’s a thing, possibly, as one website puts it, “to rein in their dreamier, more chaotic inclinations.” Good band name. Please welcome to the stage the Chaotic Inclinations…
  • Because thinking keeps me up at night. Counting sheep is so last century. I count bullet points instead.
  • Because they reinforce the delusion of order over chaos in my mind, world, and life.

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Bill Hulseman

Bill Hulseman

Ritual designer & officiant, educator, facilitator | billhulseman.com